D Day.

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It’s Judgement Day, Discharge was provisionally set for this Wednesday. Am I ready? Nope. Do I want help? Yes. Will I get more time to recover? I f*cking hope so…

I guess its easier to yell into Blog Form to express how I feel. I am scared, broken & feel like I’m in a new found state where I’m actively agreeing with my inner critic. I try to humour or ignore the crazy thoughts or suggestions normally but right now nothing is normal.

I am volatile, erratic & detached. Detached but needy, erratic but calculated & volatile but powerless. I know the immediate thinking might be that I’m only presenting this way because discharge may be near but please, please listen to me I am scared. I understand hospital is not beneficial long term but suicide isnt either. I am not as far down the road of self confidence in keeping myself safe as I had hoped. Motherhood is my greatest achievement but my biggest regret right now – I go home on my free time & almost constantly have a negative outlook. It’s not a nice thing to admit but I need time to recover, to negate the darkness but most importantly to learn to love & miss my family. I am not a nice person to be around just now, timescale wise I ask not for months & months but purely to put a pin in this for now. I do not feel safe & I do not want to let my boys or Hubby down, I want to live but the voices are dismissing that want & I cannot cope with them.

I am sorry if this is deep & hard hitting but I sometimes dont know how to explain with words how dark the darkness is. My heads spins like the sky considering or calculating how to die but how to live. My mindset is so negatively beaten that I am debating my marriage & role as a Mother, I want to be a Wife, I love being a Mother but I hate the Wife & Mother my illness turns me into. I adore my wee family but my illness selfishly dictates I deserve nobody. I cant go home as this person I need more time, I need to get better, Im not saying 100% better but even an extra 10% or an hour less of toxic thoughts its so fucking hard but its where im at I feel like sometimes I unconciously slip into saying things are better than they are. I’m typing this on the toilet in tears I hate this shit I just want a break from my head.

The hardest thing with having Borderline Personality Disorder is that sometimes I feel the illness guidelines are followed rather than an individual sufferers needs. Hospitilsation & the Hospital Enviroment is said to be counter productive for BPD so I feel this is constantly focused on rather than my actual thoughts. I hope they listen today – I’m scared but engaging. I want the best form of me for my wee family. I don’t want angry, short tempered me. I want the Me that hugs long & tight enjoying the warmth of the 6 hands that make up my family.

Pray they listen.

♡

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