Panic sets in that feeling of dread is back & back with a vengeance, For weeks & weeks I’ve been on this road, The speed im travelling has differed – some days can be steady Sunday 30mph drives others can be Rush hour traffic like. I’ve hit speedbumps along this road & journey, the speedbumps such as the stresses of morning school runs or my beloved dogs barking at the f*ckin hoover like it’s another dog trying to steal their food!
My fathers death has been like a pothole that’s forced me off the road I was on, Momentarily I hope but I am terrified that the Voices I hear are courtesy of my inner critic & not that of somebody merely fixing my tyres.
The tyres, potholes & speedholes are purely for setting the tone there’s f*ckall wrong with my car, but plenty wrong with me.
I’m home alone my stomach is turning like a wheel, my heart accelerates out my chest. Oh no please don’t let this be back I knew that it would come back at some point but just not so soon I feel like I’m viberating inside & out I’m trying my best to keep telling myself that I’m stronger than before I will beat this but it has a rather large presence.
1PM & I’ve only just managed to pull myself out of bed the thought of having to go for a shower and get dressed is crippling. I’m not going to lie, in the words of Danny Dyer “I Am Shitting myself” – I’m not in control the voices from my inner critic are sneaking back in. Mental Paralysation grips me as I sit in a house that needs plenty of my TLC but will get absolutely zero. Motivationally I’m empty, The pothole of my fathers death has immobilised me & drained my tank, I’m running on the fumes of positivity I’ve built up for a day like this.
I need to get my shit together, I’m a Wife & a Mummy thats minds polluted with Instagram culture of Mrs Hinched houses, I strive for perfection but also need to remember that Mental Perfection is my target not Material Perfection. I also need to remember the pothole thats taken me off the road, Losing a loved one is a serious issue for anybody let alone somebody like me. Today I think I’ll listen to my Hubby, Try some more mindfulness, double up on my Diazepam & take deep breaths.
A Bad Day doesn’t mean a bad life – I’ll fix my wheels & restart my engine for tomorrow I hit that road to recovery again, Speedbumps will slow me down & potholes may take you off the road but I’ll get back on it.
Beep Beep
♡
X
Mummy & Mental Health :) 